Memos from a Grouchy Pregnant Lady
Dear Friendly Stranger Who Rubs My Belly Without Preamble:
Really? Not even a ‘hello’ first? If I was skinny would you walk up and rub my stomach? I am not Buddha. Rubbing my baby bump will not bring you good luck. In fact, if you don’t step back I’m likely to slap you.
There’s your warning.
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
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Dear Overly Helpful Pre-School Administrator:
Thanks for the reminder about Teacher Appreciation Week. The itemized list of expensive items the teacher has requested, the ‘required’ school attire (how many little boys own ‘aqua-colored’ shirts?), the days on which we should provide each item, the requirements for handmade cards…yeah…I’ll say thank you in my own way. And honestly, how many cans of unsalted cashews and truffles can one teacher eat?
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
P.S. The list of items you requested for the teacher’s classroom should be covered in the ridiculously high tuition I pay each month.
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Dear The Preschool Mom with the Fancy Gift Bags, Glossy Ribbon, and Gourmet Cashews:
Thanks for making the rest of us (namely me) look bad. I hate you.
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
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Dear Stranger Who Looks at Me with Pity in Your Eyes:
Yes, I’m pregnant. Very Pregnant. Yes, I’m miserable. Thanks for reminding me. If you dare ask me how soon I’ll ‘pop’, I’m likely to puke on your shoes. I have a very developed gag reflex.
Point your pity elsewhere.
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
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Dear Neighbor Who Mows your Lawn at 7 a.m. on Saturday:
I get that the sun is up, but that does not give you the right to rev up your mower before my kids are awake. And if you complain about my dog barking again, I’m going to let her poop on your precious lawn and I won’t pick it.
I’m going back to sleep now.
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
Really? Not even a ‘hello’ first? If I was skinny would you walk up and rub my stomach? I am not Buddha. Rubbing my baby bump will not bring you good luck. In fact, if you don’t step back I’m likely to slap you.
There’s your warning.
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
—————————–
Dear Overly Helpful Pre-School Administrator:
Thanks for the reminder about Teacher Appreciation Week. The itemized list of expensive items the teacher has requested, the ‘required’ school attire (how many little boys own ‘aqua-colored’ shirts?), the days on which we should provide each item, the requirements for handmade cards…yeah…I’ll say thank you in my own way. And honestly, how many cans of unsalted cashews and truffles can one teacher eat?
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
P.S. The list of items you requested for the teacher’s classroom should be covered in the ridiculously high tuition I pay each month.
—————————–
Dear The Preschool Mom with the Fancy Gift Bags, Glossy Ribbon, and Gourmet Cashews:
Thanks for making the rest of us (namely me) look bad. I hate you.
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
—————————–
Dear Stranger Who Looks at Me with Pity in Your Eyes:
Yes, I’m pregnant. Very Pregnant. Yes, I’m miserable. Thanks for reminding me. If you dare ask me how soon I’ll ‘pop’, I’m likely to puke on your shoes. I have a very developed gag reflex.
Point your pity elsewhere.
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
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Dear Neighbor Who Mows your Lawn at 7 a.m. on Saturday:
I get that the sun is up, but that does not give you the right to rev up your mower before my kids are awake. And if you complain about my dog barking again, I’m going to let her poop on your precious lawn and I won’t pick it.
I’m going back to sleep now.
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
17 Comments
Elizabeth Twist
” If you dare ask me how soon I’ll ‘pop’…”
People don’t actually do this, right? No? Yes? Yes. I bet they do. People suck. 🙁
Becky Wallace
@Elizabeth: Yes, yes they do. Jerks.
Lindsay N. Currie
LOL I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you. Being in that same position three times before (and with such an enormous belly that I had to actually adjust the steering wheel in the minivan to accomodate it), I know how you feel. But. . . the end is in sight and I can’t wait:)
Shari
The memories all came flooding back. Ack! Hopefully not much longer for you!
Jen
U at least must be cute pregnant. No one ever rubbed my belly. I’m feeling a little left out!! I must have been hideous! ;). Oh. And I’d KILL my neighbor for doing that!!!!
Becky Wallace
@Jen: I don’t think it has anything to do with being cute…just weirdos. I seem to attract them. Today it was one of the helpers at the grocery store. And the neighbor is an “older” man. He doesn’t work any more, so his yard is like a child. Mows twice a week. If you want to mow on a weekday at 7 a.m., then go for it…but on Saturday? Are you kidding?
Katrine
These are great! I’d like to add, “When are you going to have that baby? You always look so tired.”
Becky Wallace
@Katrine: Oh yeah..love that.
JEFritz
How could people think it’s okay to touch your belly because you’re pregnant? Carrying a child does not equal “Touch me!”
I think the Grouchy Pregnant Lady is right.
Susanna Leonard Hill
You tell ’em Grouchy Pregnant Lady! (I sympathize completely, having been there three times myself, but your post made me laugh out loud!) Hang in there 🙂
Red Boot Pearl
Totally got the “You look like you’re about to pop!” at Walmart on Saturday. I don’t get why people think they HAVE to comment on the belly.
At a theater my husband and I went to, the usher was trying to tell me the quickest way to our seats and be ever so helpful because of “my condition”. I had the urge to roll my eyes, but I held back.
My friend just had a baby today. We had the same due date. I’m really trying to be happy for her, but I want to punch the wall and scream.
Becky Wallace
@Red Boot: Maybe it would put you in labor? A little screaming never hurt anyone.
Sarah Ketley
go go go go…. lol
great post. If someone invaded my space like that they would certainly get a taste of hormonally imbalanced, newly maternal instincts as i punched them in the face…
Then i would smile sweetly and say “I’m pregnant, what is your excuse.”
sarah
Sari Webb
Ahh I don’t envy you. This is not something I look forward to. I think I’ll put it off for as long as possible.
And yea… the touching belly thing? The fact you haven’t already slapped them is showing great self-restraint.
Norma Beishir
These are a laugh riot.
It’s appalling that total strangers still think they can walk up and touch your belly….
Rachel
OMG, you are hilarious. I’m pregnant with #3, so I get it, especially the preschool bit. My oldest is in preschool a year early, and I’m supposed to pay 50 bucks for (accidentally) not making it to a volunteer gig to raise money for preschool. Since when does it make sense to pay to volunteer?? Uh no.
BTW, I found you through the Blog Carnival Hop – am now a follower!
Avery Olive
Yes!! This is awesome, I love it!