Return of the Grouchy Pregnant Lady
Dear Mom of the Kid Who Is Blowing Snot Bubbles in the Play Place:
I get it. It’s cold. Your kids are bored. Mine are too. But seriously? There is so much snot coming out of your kid’s head that you could bottle and sell it as Gak or Goop or Slimy Silly Putty. Take him home. That is not a request. It’s a warning. If I find you, I’m going to rub your kid’s face on your shirt.
Sincerely,
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
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Dear President Obama The Great Party Thrower:
I’ve had a lot of time to lay around and watch all the specials on “Preparing for the Inauguration.” I don’t know if someone handed you a budget or if you even care, but man…your parties are expensive. I know, I know, you’re excited to be the leader of a great nation, and it is worthy of a celebration. But maybe instead of spending millions of tax payer dollars on a one-day party, you could have put it toward some of those social causes that need so much of our attention? Just a thought.
Sincerely,
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
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Dear Makers of the Really BIG Toilet Paper Rolls:
Your toilet paper is so fat that it won’t spin. I have to pull off one square at a time because the roll is pressed so hard against the wall. I know you’re the budget brand, but for goodness sake! Include the roll extender or make smaller rolls! You guys suck.
Sincerely,
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
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Dear Guy At Costco Who Ran Over My Ankle with your Overloaded Cart:
You hit me hard enough that my knees buckled. You hit me hard enough that the lady behind you in line gasped. You hit me hard enough to earn a look of death, which you saw and ignored. Dude, your car better be on fire or something equally awful. There is no reason to race ahead of a lady with three-and-a-quarter kids, bash into her, and pretend it didn’t happen.
You’re lucky I don’t know where you parked, or I might be tempted to push my very full cart into the side of your car.
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
I get it. It’s cold. Your kids are bored. Mine are too. But seriously? There is so much snot coming out of your kid’s head that you could bottle and sell it as Gak or Goop or Slimy Silly Putty. Take him home. That is not a request. It’s a warning. If I find you, I’m going to rub your kid’s face on your shirt.
Sincerely,
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
—
Dear President Obama The Great Party Thrower:
I’ve had a lot of time to lay around and watch all the specials on “Preparing for the Inauguration.” I don’t know if someone handed you a budget or if you even care, but man…your parties are expensive. I know, I know, you’re excited to be the leader of a great nation, and it is worthy of a celebration. But maybe instead of spending millions of tax payer dollars on a one-day party, you could have put it toward some of those social causes that need so much of our attention? Just a thought.
Sincerely,
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
—
Dear Makers of the Really BIG Toilet Paper Rolls:
Your toilet paper is so fat that it won’t spin. I have to pull off one square at a time because the roll is pressed so hard against the wall. I know you’re the budget brand, but for goodness sake! Include the roll extender or make smaller rolls! You guys suck.
Sincerely,
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
—
Dear Guy At Costco Who Ran Over My Ankle with your Overloaded Cart:
You hit me hard enough that my knees buckled. You hit me hard enough that the lady behind you in line gasped. You hit me hard enough to earn a look of death, which you saw and ignored. Dude, your car better be on fire or something equally awful. There is no reason to race ahead of a lady with three-and-a-quarter kids, bash into her, and pretend it didn’t happen.
You’re lucky I don’t know where you parked, or I might be tempted to push my very full cart into the side of your car.
The Grouchy Pregnant Lady
25 Comments
Diana
Uh…so I take from this post that you are pregnant? If I’ve come to the completely WRONG conclusion…I apologize. But otherwise, CONGRATS!
Becky Wallace
Yep. Another Wee Wallace at the end of July. I’m still surprised.
Diana
P.S.–you and I need to talk more frequently 🙂
Trisha Leaver
You should have pushed your cart into him. Forget his car, run him over. Congrats, again. And Wee Wallace sound like something out of BraveHeart!
Becky Wallace
@Trisha: I was sort of surprised that he didn’t SAY anything. Not even a passing sorry. Some people are JERKS.
Carlie
Congratulations! Love your blog btw.
Lexa Cain
Go Grouchy Pregnant Lady! Some people are so rude they really need to hear the truth. FYI, the older you get, the more pissed off you get and the more you actually say the things you think. Heh-heh.
~ Grouchy Old Lady
Jess
OMG, these are AWESOME!! I just read these out loud to my hubby and he laughed his a** off too. We think you need to start a “Grouchy Pregnant Lady” blog and maybe get a book published STAT. They’re all instant classics, but the toilet paper one was my favorite 🙂
William Kendall
A congratulations on the soon to be arrival, Becky!
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